My Mind Won’t Let Me Remember

Posted by Monica Edwards Categories: Family, Personal

The only memory I have of you is so elusive—it feels like a dream I had rather than an actual moment of my life when I knew you as my Mother. It seems like such a silly thing to remember and I ask myself why it is, of all things, my mind chooses to recall this particular instant because it seems so trivial. You were visiting me and my sister, at the orphanage that you made into our new home. You had come and the only thing I recall from that visit, is you getting ready to leave- you gave me some money, a few shiny coins that felt like a treasure in my tiny hands. I don’t remember if I was scared, or sad. Maybe you weren’t visiting, maybe you were leaving us there at that time. It is all a haze to me and I feel so lost like I am spinning out of control trying to relive that fraction of a moment with you. I can’t picture your face, is that awful?
Should I know what you look like? Why did you leave us there? I have so many questions but don’t have the slightest clue as to how to start looking for you. I don’t think I wondered about you as I was growing up, I might have shut that part of my life out of my mind as a preventative measure because I also have a few bad memories of that place you left us in.

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