The Monica Edwards Weblog

Exposing Myself: For Better or Worse?

Posted by Monica Edwards
Categories: Family, Personal, Religious

Warning from Author: This post is extremely personal and contains some explicit details of my life that may be hard to read. I tried to edit the details as much as possible while still being true to myself by not holding back--I have been doing that for too many years.

October of 2007 was my last post. It has been about that long since I have laid eyes on my own blog. To do so would only compound the feelings of failure, guilt, and frustration I have been feeling for the last 6 months, no—let’s just lay it all out on the table—the feelings that I have battled with most of my life from prepubescence to present day. With the help of a therapist, my husband, and my trusty anti-depressants, I have chosen, made a conscious decision, to make another concerted effort to let you all in on my big bad secret. I have shared my story with a few that I trust. I make light of it as a way to distance myself so that I can actually put my thoughts into words without blubbering all over the keyboard.

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Tom Cruise Would Love Me--Not

Posted by Monica Edwards
Categories: Personal

Okay, so I have to be honest and say that in my last post I was less than honest. Obviously my commitment to myself and to my readers was not lived up to. I was going to try and post everyday but have failed in my half-hearted attempt. I was dishonest because I said that my feelings of depression was not to the extreme of having to resort to any type of drug to help with the onset of such an emotional state that I barely have the motivation to get out of bed sometimes. While it is true that I am not on any type of medication at this moment, I have come to the realization that maybe I need to stop feeling ashamed for how I feel and seeing myself as weak because I may need something to help me to cope once in a while. 

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Where Do I Begin?

Posted by Monica Edwards
Categories: Personal

It has been a few months since I have had the passion to write. I say passion because I have figured something out about myself. I lack motivation, it’s true, but the unerring factor in my absence of recent posts is that I have not felt a passion to write. The definition of passion you ask? “strong and barley controllable emotion” or “an intense desire or enthusiasm for something”. Okay, so I HAVE felt a strong and barely controllable emotion in the last few months, more than once in fact, but I have not had the intense desire or enthusiasm to bring myself to share my experiences with anyone.

I don’t know why. I could take a guess and say that it has been a busy few months but that would just be a lame excuse. I suppose if I were entirely transparent, I would say that it is probably due to depression. It is extremely difficult to feel any sort of passion or motivation when I am in this state, and I feel like I do all the things that are necessary of me and the tasks that are not required of a mother and wife, I let fall by the wayside. I absolutely abhor being in this state and I know from being a part of a support group of women suffering from depression, that we as individuals, ultimately have control of how we want to, or choose to feel.

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