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The only memory I have of you is so elusive—it feels like a dream I had rather than an actual moment of my life when I knew you as my Mother. It seems like such a silly thing to remember and I ask myself why it is, of all things, my mind chooses to recall this particular instant because it seems so trivial. You were visiting me and my sister, at the orphanage that you made into our new home. You had come and the only thing I recall from that visit, is you getting ready to leave- you gave me some money, a few shiny coins that felt like a treasure in my tiny hands. I don’t remember if I was scared, or sad. Maybe you weren’t visiting, maybe you were leaving us there at that time. It is all a haze to me and I feel so lost like I am spinning out of control trying to relive that fraction of a moment with you. I can’t picture your face, is that awful?
Should I know what you look like? Why did you leave us there? I have so many questions but don’t have the slightest clue as to how to start looking for you. I don’t think I wondered about you as I was growing up, I might have shut that part of my life out of my mind as a preventative measure because I also have a few bad memories of that place you left us in.
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My Baby Outdances Benji From “So You Think You Can Dance”
Posted by Monica Edwards Categories: Alijah, Family, Personal
I am such a proud mother. Alijah has got the Latino blood flowing through him-he is a dancing machine!! Anytime there is a beat on, his hips start swaying, his arms do their own jig and his face is aglow with joy. You would think that there is a master puppeteer at work, the way his body contorts in all those silly ways, but that is all him. He just loves to dance and he ain’t gonna hide it, no sir. All the while we get to see a spectacular show and realize that this may be one of the great moments in time that we will have on record to blackmail him with when he hits his rebellious teenage years. The magic of video. Catch a glimpse for yourself as he outdances Benji, (my favorite), while watching So You Think You Can Dance. At the end of his dance he jabbers something in his own specific language, let me translate—he says, “That was fun!”
Trust me, you may be blown away by his superior dancing ability.
It is 2 am Friday morning, I will be leaving in approximately 17 hours for San Jose and the Blogher conference. My husband asked me if I was excited, I said “no, I’m nervous”. Why am I nervous? Well let’s go down the list shall we?
1. I am very new to blogging. I have no idea what I will talk to other women about. My husband explained to me today that I blog using Expression Engine. What does that mean to me? Not a whole lot.
2. I am to blog live from the various sessions I attend, how do I listen and type with two fingers at the same time?
3. I hate to fly.
4. I’m scared my hotel reservation will somehow be void for some unknown reason. (Paranoia setting in)
5. I am leaving my two-year old alone with my husband for 24 hours. When I come home, he will have mastered Halo or have his own podcast.
6. Reading other posts from the women attending, it seems a lot of us are worried about what to wear, and whether we will be pedicured. I feel frumpy in any clothing I own and as of now my toes are hanging on to
the remnants of a pedicure from months ago.
7. The new pill my OB prescribed is making me break out like a teenager in the midst of puberty, oh joy.
8. I hate to admit that I have not read many blogs so therefore will not know if I encounter a “celebrity” blogger. I apologize ahead of time.
9. I am very bad, no really, very bad, at remembering names. So if it seems like I am staring at your boob, I am only trying to ingrain your name from your name tag, into my brain.
10. I get all flustered talking to new people so it seems as if I’m interrupting when I am really trying to avoid the awkward lull in a conversation, so I tend to speak before the other person is finished. Bad habit.
These are only 10 reasons I am a nervous wreck, I could go on but will have to sleep sometime before my two-year old wakes up.
I noticed while reading the other posts that I became more nervous of the kind of impression I will make meeting everyone. Will I fit into a niche? Am I a mommy-blogger? Or something altogether different?
Thank God my sister is coming with me. Although she is not a blogger by all accounts, she does write for a site of ours. She possesses more social skills than I and will hopefully keep me in check as she is the queen of etiquette. She will remember names.
I also wondered why it is that women care so much to impress other women more so than wanting to impress men, when we should all be sisters and not care what we all look like or have on? We are so insecure and put so much pressure on ourselves. Why is that? I am asking because I do it also. Would everyone feel better if we all wore uniforms to Blogher? I wonder. I want to go and have fun and not have to worry if my toes match my outfit, but I know that I will be secretly obsessing about it. It’s just in our nature. Well, at least we will know that we care enough to shower and change our underwear 
.
It is late and I am now rambling. If I have the energy later in the morning maybe I will do my toes, in between packing and the chaos of a 2 year-old and 11 year-old shouting to see which one is louder. Hmm…San Jose is looking a little less scary.
I love my children. Their smiles, infectious laughter, and their constant need for “Mama” to be near. That is why I needed a vacation from them.
Mothers all over know what I am saying, it is a double entendre- you can love your children to death, therefore you need to get away once in a blue moon, to be sure that you don’t. I escaped to a world of Lavender Loveliness thanks to my husband’s reassurance that the boys would be “just fine” without me for the day, that he would indeed “feed them”. I don’t give him enough credit. It is because I am the caregiver from morning till around 6 pm when Andru can take a break from staring at that glaring rectangular box we rely on for our livelihood.
I know he can handle two active boys for a whole day but it took me about 20 minutes to finally cut the strings and realize that this was the opportunity for a “vacation” that I was so desperately hinting to just two days before. Still I reluctantly jumped on the chance to go to the Lavender Festival in Sequim with my sister and her husband.
I am not one to preach, so I won’t. I will leave that up to one of my two Pastors, Pastor Matt.
Today I was blessed by his sermon, er, rather “confession”, as he put it. If you would like to hear a refreshing sermon, I invite you to listen with an open heart and mind. Instead of me preaching, I am going to share why today, for me, was a gloriously beautiful day.
I don’t believe in coincidences, maybe it is because I have faith, I don’t know. But I believe everything happens for a reason. Yes, I know that is cliche but so true to me. My belief in “no such thing as a coincidence” was reaffirmed after hearing what Matt had to share with us today. Matt said something that hit me in the heart and made so much sense. Right now, I can’t quote him due to my terrible short term memory but please, I urge you to listen to his sermon as soon as it is up in their podcasts. It will be #45 by Matthew Gamble at this site. You can also subscribe to the 24 Seven Ministry Center sermons in iTunes It was a revelation, if you will.
Dear Family and close friends,
Please do not continue to read if you are sensitive to the details of our loss—
I am writing this to let you all know, about something that Andru and I have experienced these last few days, and I guess in some ways, still experiencing. Also, maybe it is a way for me to self-heal. We have not contacted anyone I think because we are still trying to get a grasp on how we feel about things, and also because I don’t think I can say the same thing over to so many people. So I hope that you will all understand why we chose to write about it rather than talking about it face to face or on the phone.
I will start from the beginning:
Andru and I found out that we were pregnant about a month and half ago. To our surprise—I was pregnant. As you all know, it was recommended, by the last Dr. that treated me after Alijah’s birth, that we do not have any more children due to my history of preeclampsia and with Alijah, HELLP syndrome. So, in knowing this, we did not plan to have any more children. We were cautious and took the steps to prevent from becoming pregnant again, (i.e. contraception) but as we all know, contraceptives are not 100% foolproof. I somehow found myself in the 8-10% bracket of women who become pregnant while using contraceptives.
So, when I took my first test, I doubted the results, I took another one, positive again. Not knowing how it could be possible, and still doubting, I took a third test. Still positive. Andru says the first words out of my mouth after the first one was “Great” (sarcastic tone).
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