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Tuesday January 22, 2008 1:10 pm
Exposing Myself: For Better or Worse?
Posted by Monica Edwards Categories: Family, Personal, Religious
Warning from Author: This post is extremely personal and contains some explicit details of my life that may be hard to read. I tried to edit the details as much as possible while still being true to myself by not holding back—I have been doing that for too many years.
October of 2007 was my last post. It has been about that long since I have laid eyes on my own blog. To do so would only compound the feelings of failure, guilt, and frustration I have been feeling for the last 6 months, no—let’s just lay it all out on the table—the feelings that I have battled with most of my life from prepubescence to present day. With the help of a therapist, my husband, and my trusty anti-depressants, I have chosen, made a conscious decision, to make another concerted effort to let you all in on my big bad secret. I have shared my story with a few that I trust. I make light of it as a way to distance myself so that I can actually put my thoughts into words without blubbering all over the keyboard.
- Related Tags:
- abuse, anxiety, child abuse, christianity, clinical depression, depression, god, grace, heather armstrong, honesty, korea, marriage, marriage counseling, orphanage, parenting, secrets, sexual abuse, sidefeatured, therapy
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Comments:
Wow Monica, I had no idea it ran that deep. You always covered it up so well…
I’m glad you’re finally putting it all out in the open; you have my support and I know together Andru and with God you are whole.
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DEAREST MONICA
YOU HAVE TAKEN THE FIRST HUGE STEP TOWARDS A GREAT FUTURE.
FROM NOW ON EACH STEP YOU TAKE WILL BE A LOT EASIER.
WE LOVE YOU.. GRANDMA.
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We love you.
~The Sotos
p.s. I’m sure it’s no coincidence that I have to type in the word “strength” at the bottom of this page to post this message.
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Thank you for having the courage to share this with us. I’m sure it will help those who are also hurting from past experiences. Jesse and I keep you and Andru in our prayers. We love you.
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Monica, my love, I will call you this week. You are a loving mother and wife and give your family a lot, even when you can’t make yourself get out of bed—I know they feel your love, because I can see it in their actions myself. And, if I may say so, let G-d forgive the people who hurt you and the family who paid no attention. G-d will do so; your work is to deal with what they did to you. That is, forgiveness is not your job yet. A lot of people betrayed you, and you have been betraying yourself in your efforts to find some way to live with their betrayals. Love and forgive yourself as well as you can; you don’t have to forgive them before you’ve even felt your anger.
Love, Momma
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Hey Brenda… I “met” you through Chris’ stream tonight. I’m the one who works for him for the “abuse”.
I just wanted to say your post here touched me in a very deep way. I have battled with severe depression for years, and have finally hit on the correct combination of medicine and therapist within the past year.
Being able to open yourself up this way is a HUGE step in the healing process. I’ve done it on my personal blog, as well. It not only helped me… it helped others to understand me and who I am.
Kudos to you, and know that *hugs* are sent from here.
Kat Armstrong
Lockergnome Assistant
Microsoft MVP - Windows Security
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Monica,
I came across your blog while browsing through the lists of “mom blogs”, and I’m so glad I found yours.
Child sexual abuse is something we have in common, and I’ve written about this subject (including my own story). I want to tell you that you are not alone, that there are many of us who have experienced sexual abuse as children and even though many victims are grown adults now, the memories and feelings are still there.
I pray that you will find healing as I did, and can move on with your life with your husband and family. I’m proud of you that you have told your personal story, as doing so is often the first step towards recovery.
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God bless you during this time of tranformation. He is with you!
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Monica, trhat was brave and sad. I did have encephalitis when I was 12 though and possibly lost all memory of anything before that. I am recovering from depression, although not of the smae type as yours. I wish you the best. You seem to have a wonderful support system and a lovely family. All the best, dear. You have my prayers….
Kathy
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Dear Monica,
I read your article during the HP contest. Needless to say I didn’t want to post this till after it was over. I understand the pain you have and are suffering. Being the victim of physical or sexual abuse is something that never really leaves you. You can learn to deal with your emotions, and come to terms with the situation that the abuse occurred in, and know it was beyond your control. To understand this as an adult is different from understanding it as that little girl still inside of you.
For me there still are situations that cause me pause and bring me back to being that little girl who was a victim. That is when, like you I crawl into my self. Those incidents are far less as I grow older, I refuse to allow them to control the adult in me. Because it would give the men that sexually abused me as a child control of me. I would be giving them my power. And I don’t want to do that.
You have to learn to accept what you cannot change and change what you cannot accept, and be able to move on with your life. Leaving the past behind you, is part of that. Remember that your past the good and the bad makes you the person that you are today.
You and your family are in my prayers. I think that you are a strong woman with a loving family and that is a key to healing.
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