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Tuesday January 22, 2008 1:10 pm

Exposing Myself: For Better or Worse?

Posted by Monica Edwards Categories: Family, Personal, Religious

Warning from Author: This post is extremely personal and contains some explicit details of my life that may be hard to read. I tried to edit the details as much as possible while still being true to myself by not holding back—I have been doing that for too many years.

October of 2007 was my last post. It has been about that long since I have laid eyes on my own blog. To do so would only compound the feelings of failure, guilt, and frustration I have been feeling for the last 6 months, no—let’s just lay it all out on the table—the feelings that I have battled with most of my life from prepubescence to present day. With the help of a therapist, my husband, and my trusty anti-depressants, I have chosen, made a conscious decision, to make another concerted effort to let you all in on my big bad secret. I have shared my story with a few that I trust. I make light of it as a way to distance myself so that I can actually put my thoughts into words without blubbering all over the keyboard.



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Comments:

Monica, trhat was brave and sad. I did have encephalitis when I was 12 though and possibly lost all memory of anything before that. I am recovering from depression, although not of the smae type as yours. I wish you the best. You seem to have a wonderful support system and a lovely family. All the best, dear. You have my prayers….
Kathy

Dear Monica,

I read your article during the HP contest. Needless to say I didn’t want to post this till after it was over. I understand the pain you have and are suffering. Being the victim of physical or sexual abuse is something that never really leaves you. You can learn to deal with your emotions, and come to terms with the situation that the abuse occurred in, and know it was beyond your control. To understand this as an adult is different from understanding it as that little girl still inside of you.

For me there still are situations that cause me pause and bring me back to being that little girl who was a victim. That is when, like you I crawl into my self. Those incidents are far less as I grow older, I refuse to allow them to control the adult in me. Because it would give the men that sexually abused me as a child control of me. I would be giving them my power. And I don’t want to do that.

You have to learn to accept what you cannot change and change what you cannot accept, and be able to move on with your life. Leaving the past behind you, is part of that.  Remember that your past the good and the bad makes you the person that you are today.

You and your family are in my prayers.  I think that you are a strong woman with a loving family and that is a key to healing.


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